follow up to yesterdays blog

Dear Friends and Family,

You have all been wonderful. In your own way, each and every one of you has said the perfect words and given the perfect support to me as I have gone through this event in my life. Yesterday's blog did not in any way refer to any one of you (except for the last paragraph) and I hope that none of you thought it did. You have all been so hugely supportive and I can feel your love in every word you say, every action you make. Not one of you has said anything even remotely like what I discussed in my blog. Thank you for keeping me up, truly positive, feeling great and going for the last 8 months.

Yesterday's comments were a result of 8 months of well-meaning outsiders. It was not aimed at them but rather a commentary to let people know their well-meaning comments do hurt. I am not alone in this. A large number of books on cancer also address this topic. I happened to walk into radiation today and pick up a random book called The Human Side of Cancer by Jimmie C. Holland, M.D. from Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. The second chapter is titledThe Tyranny of Positive Thinking and addresses exactly what I discussed yesterday but perhaps in a more elegant way. (I admit I did lose my sense of humor for a while there).

Some excerpts:
"Several years ago, Jane, a forty-nine-year-old woman with breast cancer, came to my office at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. She had recently completed her treatment and her doctor had given her a clean bill of health, meaning the doctors had found no evidence of cancer in her body. Indeed, the glow of good health had returned to her cheeks.

But as she entered my office, Jane looked agitated. Her body was tight and tense. As she sat down, I said, "I've heard the good news from your doctor. I hear you're doing well."

"That's what he says, " she replied despondently, "but I feel like I'm losing the battle."

Puzzled, I asked her, "What makes you feel that way?" She responded, "Well, my sister gave me a book on how to survive cancer, and it says it's critical to keep a positive attitude. I've tried to stay upbeat through the treatments, but now that they're over, I'm more afraid and worried than ever. I'm sad, and I can't feel positive about anything."

I said, "It must have been hard to stay positive all the time over this past year, because I remember how crummy you felt during those first days after each of your six chemotherapy treatments."

"Yes, it's been hard when I've felt so washed out and tired," she said. "And sometimes I've been so scared and frightened, I wondered if I could get through it. Other times, I've been down and sad and angry that this hit me when I had wanted to do so much for my kids..."

"That sounds right on to me, " I said. "I can't imagine how you could have been positive all through this last year when you had to slog through so many difficult tests and treatments."

Jane started to relax a little. "You mean it's okay, and I haven't kept my cancer from being killed off by chemotherapy because I couldn't do what that book said?"

"No, you haven't," I said with a smile. "You're not superwoman, you know. You're wonderfully human and normal. Most people experience the same reactions you've had at some time."

"GREAT!" She said. "BECAUSE I WAS THINKING THAT IF ANY MORE PEOPLE TELL ME TO THINK POSITIVE, I'M GOING TO SLUG THEM."

JANE WAS ECHOING A REFRAIN I OFTEN HEAR FROM PEOPLE WITH CANCER: THE NOTION THAT FEELING SAD, SCARED, UPSET, OR ANGRY IS UNACCEPTABLE AND THAT EMOTIONS CAN SOMEHOW MAKE YOUR TUMOR GROW. AND THE SENSE THAT IF THE PERSON IS NOT IN CONTROL ON THE EMOTIONAL PLANE ALL THE TIME, THE BATTLE AGAINST THE DISEASE WILL BE LOST.

ALL THIS HYPE CLAIMING THAT IF YOU DON'T HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND THAT IF YOU GET DEPRESSED YOU ARE MAKING YOUR TUMOR GROW FASTER INVALIDATES PEOPLE'S NATURAL AND UNDERSTANDABLE REACTIONS TO A THREAT IN THEIR LIVES. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN BY THE TYRANNY OF POSITIVE THINKING."

The Human Side of Cancer, Chapter 2, Jimmie C. Holland, M.D.

That's the last I will have to say on this subject (I hope). I keep smiling when folks say that to me although I cringe inside with the hurt of it.