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Sunday, November 20, 2005

What not to say to a cancer patient (or anyone else for that matter)

It happended again yesterday. I know that people mean well but still it is annoying and insulting. I had a call from an old work acquaintance. Her first comments after hello were, "you sound much more positive and happy than last time I talked to you. You have to be positive."

First, let me say that the last time she talked to me was in my last week of chemo. I was dead tired, sick, in pain, neuropathy of the hands and feet and more. I was very "out of it". What a time to expect me to by "up and happy". I am not here to entertain you. Wouldn't it be kinder if you cared about my well-being.

Second, I have not met one cancer patient or survivor (and, believe me, I now know many) who is not annoyed by the large number of people that feel they need to tell us to keep a positive attitude. Why is it that suddenly when you become a cancer patient, you lose all of your rights as a human being to experience the full range of human emotions. Would you tell someone with a cold or flu or who had just lost their favorite pet to "keep a positive attitude"? I would rather think that you would console them and let them feel miserable or cry. Why then do cancer patients not have the same rights.

Believe me that we know of the research that says a positive attitude can help you to live longer but we also know that frustration and anger can counteract that and help you die sooner. Suppressing and hiding your feelings and emotions in order to entertain the people around you and show a "positive attitude" is stressful and depressing. Even if you mean well, do not say it please.

And finally, do not say, "you will get through this and be back to normal again. You will be fine". I have been tempted to say that myself. However, we will never be "normal" or "fine" again. This is an experience we are going through and don't try to deny it. We will always live with our cancer and the follow ups and health scares that go along with it. Rather than deny our condition, be supportive and understanding, particularly when we are going through the most hellish times.

I am sick of the cancer, sick of "being sick" and just want to get past this. Afterword, I hope to resume my life again and be "normal". However, at the moment, this is happening to me and I need to make the most of it and do my best to get through it - good and bad. I don't think about it everyday and really do feel like an outsider to my body and the disease most of the time. Still, it has already robbed me of a year of my life and will take another by the time the treatments are done. I can never get those back.

Finally, as an end to this rant, let me just say that I am happy. I am positive and I know that I have beat this. Just have to go through the treatments as a health exercise. I am also doing other things nutrionally, mentally, physically and through chinese thought and medicine to make sure that it does not come back. I am so thankful for my family and friends who have been so incredibly supportive through all of this that it makes me cry (out of love and happiness).

2 Comments:

At 4:29 PM, Blogger Byker Shannon said...

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At 8:14 AM, Blogger Seajade said...

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