www.flickr.com

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Depressed

I am so depressed. Was hoping to get the reconstruction issue resolved today. This is the last big piece of the puzzle. Saw my plastic surgeon and learned that he doesn't do DIEP flaps. I was shocked because I thought we had discussed this in our previous meeting. After a little more discussion, I learned that he does Free Flaps - similar, yet different. In our first meeting, I didn't really know about the two so was confused. Well, I am not set on doing a DIEP flap. I think a Free flap would also work but Dr. M. wanted me to talk to someone who does DIEP flaps before deciding. I wasn't sure if he was really wanting to do the surgery or not but he did tell me to email him with any questions I had and that he would look around and find out who does the DIEP flap and refer me. He also agreed to reserve the room for the Free flap surgery since it takes a couple of months to reserve because it is an 8 - 10 hour surgery. He will try to reserve one in May. If I decide to go with him, he will need to meet with me one more time to take measurements. I asked him about my weight and he said that I had done well and it was fine. If I were to lose a few more pounds, it wouldn't hurt but, at the moment, I am no longer borderline which is good. He told me that I wasn't obese at all but just carrying the weight in my stomach - although not as much as before. He said to keep up with what I was doing. At the moment, I have to wait for him to get back to me with the name of a DIEP flap surgeon, if Kaiser has one, then meet with that person, make a decision on the type of surgery and then get a room scheduled (unless the decision is to be with Dr. M.) and finally surgery. It all seems so very long and, in the meantime, my Disability is running out in April and won't know about Social Security until July. The mortgage is due. Bills are due. No one seems to think this is an issue but they are not faced with a stack of bills and an empty checkbook. The money situation is stressful and depressing. Otherwise, I would be okay and not mind the wait but not having any money coming in is very scary. I don't want to lose my house and may have to go look for work instead of reconstruction. It is so unfair and depressing to think of having to put off reconstruction for what could amount to years. It is even more stressful trying to make decisions under money pressures. I just can't stop the tears from flowing. When will this nightmare be over? Why couldn't I get a decision and a date today? Why is life so unfair? Why me?

2 Comments:

At 4:00 PM, Blogger Rich said...

Hey!! I just don't know what to say here, so I start with hey! Wow, I reeeeaaaaally don't know what to say here. UmUmUmUm.... Look at the bright side....no.... Just what makes that little ole ant, think he can move a rubbertree plant?...no.... It's always coldest (Darkest) before the dawn...no... She who laughs last laughs best!...no.... Don't worry, it happens to alot of guys...no... OK Cathy, I just can't think of anything to say here that would make you feel any better. Damn, I'm looking for just the right words to stop your worry (And your tears... I am such a sucker for tears! If you would just punch me in the belly and make me cry I would feel better than having to imagine you crying) and I am at a loss. Imagine, me at a loss for words. The best thing I can think to say is to just forget about all the big shit and just concentrate on doing one thing at a time. Everything is going to work out fine...Doesn't it always? Your not going to loose your house, your loved ones or me as a friend. What else matters? Yea, it's cheesy and cheap, but in this case it is the best advice I got. Nope, I got one more better piece of crappy advice and it is even better than that. John Madden (Former coach of next years super bowl winners The Oakland Raiders)Had a saying he used to tell the players before they took the field. It goes something like this "Don't worry that the horse is blind, just load the fucking wagon." Now many years later he confessed that he had no Idea what that saying meant or where it came from. Regardless, it helped me through alot of hard times when I was in the Army. To me it means just do what you can, Of course... all you can do, 'cuz you just cant do any more than that no matter how hard you try.And as for the blind horse.... He is gonna do all he can do as well and in the everything is going to be OK.

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger Seajade said...

Thanks Rich! Not only was I touched by your message but I got a good laugh out of it too (Just what makes that ant?). I needed that!

 

Post a Comment

<< Home