And more crying

I am so lost. And frustrated. My whole world seems to be falling apart. How can I explain when I don't understand it myself. The whole reconstruction issue was supposed to be resolved last April and then I couldn't have it because of the radiation. And now, almost a year later, everything is so uncertain again. I don't know when or if I will have it. And I wait and wait and wait for how long? When will this doctor get back to me with another doctor's name and how long before I can meet with that person? Everything is so out of control. Just waiting and waiting. I feel like I am in some kind of pergutory between heaven and hell. And there is nothing I can do. And waiting for the social security and can't find my birth certificate which they need to process the papers. And waiting and waiting. And all I can do is crawl under the covers, roll into a fetal position, wrap my arms around myself and cry. And the dogs can't understand why Mom is laying in bed all day, crying and sleeping. And nothing is getting done. And I don't have any control over it. My life is totally in other's hands and at the mercy of their schedules. Tears are rolling down my face and I have forced myself to get up and write, hoping that writing will help make some sense of this but I still can't stop crying. I am so helpless and don't know what to do to resolve this. How can I get it moving again? The waiting is killing me, robbing me of my humor and motivation. When will this doctor call me? When will it be convenient for his schedule? What about my life? I don't want to go back to the fetal position but I feel it calling me. And no one seems to understand. I don't really expect them to because they are not in my place but the stress is mounting. I feel like I am back to a year ago, unable to get the mastectomy scheduled and get things moving before Dr. K came into the picture. I thought everything was resolved but this is a big set back. Another day is passing and nothing getting done. Got to go look for my birth certificate if I can see through the tears.