These thoughts come to me not because another year is turning but rather as a coincidence of timing. I have just finished an excellent book, "Eat, Pray, Love". It is a woman's journey to find herself and is very entertaining and informative without being preachy. It so resembles my life which is what started me thinking again. And then I saw Oprah's Christmas Africa special last night which made me sob (as it did Oprah) and made me question even the spiritual quest for unity and grace which should be the right of all living beings but which so few have found in our world.
Oprah's statement that now she knows why she didn't marry and have kids because all of those were her kids really struck home with me. And I so wanted to go to Africa and devote my life to helping the AIDS orphans. But then again, I did so love the luxury and relaxation of Cabo this week also. And the warmth and noisiness of my extended family and the peace and solitude of suffering through my cold alone with the dogs, the luxury of laying in bed reading and the afternoon spent working in the garden with my friend and gardener, Michael as we discussed the paths of enlightenment and world journeys (actual).
So how am I to reconcile all of these different parts of myself? There is the side that wants to clear out my house right now and rid myself of all of the "things" that clutter it and really have no meaning to our hearts and souls. If I could be with those children in Africa who have just received their first gifts ever and so cherish the doll or ball and clothes they received, I would happily give them anything they wanted out of my house. I feel paralyzed sometimes because I don't just want to throw these things away but would rather give them to someone who truly has nothing - not to Goodwill or Salvation Army who will put them in their stores with some ridiculous price tag and spend a portion of that money on "Administration". I have had this feeling every time I have gone to Jamaica and seen the little children who can't go to school because they have no shoes.
There is so much that we have and don't really need. Myself included. And it is not a judgement. I still want. I want my house finished and nice and beautiful. I think the real reason is that I imagine when this is done there will be no more clutter. It will be beautiful and pleasant when I walk in and clean. How that all happens from remodeling, I am not sure.
And then there are the dogs. I love my dogs but did I really need two? Not that I am going to give them away now. They are part of my family, part of my life. They have given so much to me particularly over the last few years but still I feel as if sometimes they are a luxury, too. A thankful that they are a luxury I can afford.
All of this musing is too much for my mind right now. Too much thinking. It is a beautiful day with just about 1 1/2 hours sunlight left and I am going to go paint.